WHERE THE HELL HAVE ALL THE CHILDREN GONE, and WHAT THE ZOMBIE VAMPIRE BUNNY HAS HAPPEN TO HALLOWEEN?? ANYONE? This sucks to have to write about how the best holiday on the planet next to my anniversary, just sucks! To make matters worse we watched the two most horrible movies someone could have picked out for our Fright Fest. It turns out that "Rise of the Dead & Turistas" were them. Now I'll be straight, Cookie picked ROTD because of the cover art and suppose storyline on the back cover. Cracker on the other hand made the mistake of believing any movie (aside from High Tension) could be better then Hostel, and so that is
why he pick Turistas. Here's the fun part, where I tell you how bad it was.So ROTD turns out not to be a Zombie flick but more of a Casper taking over people cause he wants his momma back. The baby ghost goes around killing all the people that were in his life after he was put out for adoption, seeking to regain his place back in the life of his mother. The ending involves the baby ghost possessing the boyfriend, and the only way she can think of taking her baby back, is by cooing him into submission an then shagging the boyfriend who spiritually is the baby while they are having sex. Hope that makes sense. Basically the Director and cast wanted to do a movie seen that would take the Audience there, the place no one has gone. To me, its just another low budget loser trying to be Tarantino. I hate to be the one to break the news, but we've been "THERE" doing that movie art talentless senseless crap back since the 70's. Obviously the people expecting to get a RISE, mind the pun; forgot exploits did all this and MORE back in the day. Just ask Jess Franco & Dyanne Thorne, they can explain it all. All I got to say for ROTD is that the actress playing the main star's mom was Hot! Nothing missed if you don't see this movie. Rent The Bagman.
So, Now to explain Turistas. Suppose to be better or Worse in a good way. How ever do you out do Hostel? Plain english: YOU DON'T!! The storyline is the same as them all, well to do backpacking americans in a foreign country. Hanging out, having a good time - Drinking Drugging Screwing Hot chicks.... ... .. THEN BANG! Your robbed and left with all these half wits who can't speak the local language, let alone make a rational decision. So you give into the locals who want to help you when in fact they are the ones about to rob you and your friends of their Kidneys. Should have waited for the bus? To quote the movie. Should have not been doing all your liable sins and you wouldn't have ended up in that situation to begin with, even if you live until the credits of the movie. Well yes, its true theirs this whole operation seen where the only half decent chick in this movie, (coming from mine and Jack's opinion. Considering most of the chicks were so thin they probably would have died from starvation by the end of the movie if no one killed them.) has her abdominal area cut open and gutted so some rich gringo as they put it doesn't have to wait in line at the hospital. The rest of the movie is running through the jungle from the bad dudes then turning into a scene from the Cave while they swim under the water, fending off one of the bad dudes. Better then Hostel? No not by a long shot, an that's being polite. Krauser said the best scene was when this one chick runs from the bad dudes in the first jungle scene and ends up running off a cliff. Sadly every one else agreed with that too. This movie in no way sucked you in at all, you just get this feeling the whole time, thinking what a bunch of dumbasses. Get over yourself and start walking for the next town. Rent High Tension!Okay, so after a little pain an agony of these two flicks we all went home and slept on it. What a sad evening. Where have the glory days of Halloween gone, when you would see hordes of children that could be mistaken for a mob of zombies? I miss those days.
~ STRAHD
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